The Swift Spider

“Once you begin watching spiders, you haven't time for much else.”

~E.B. White

Last night I dreamed of a spider crawling up the wall.  The spider had wings.  It was moving at a very accelerated speed, much more quickly than spiders in the non-dream reality we live in.  It was so fast that I had decided - in the dream - to write a scientific paper about it.  I remember I was sitting at a computer, typing the paper, with the species' name at the top.

The Elegance of Childhood

Armageddon in Retrospect is the book I'm currently reading. It's by one of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut.  It's a book of essays and short stories about war, peace, and humanity's tendency towards violence. It has a nice introduction written by his son, who is a pediatrician.  His son, Mark Vonnegut, is also an author who wrote about his journeys with mental illness. Mark has a genetic disposition to schizophrenia.   I'm going to read his books soon, not only because he's the son of Kurt Vonnegut, but because I, too, have had my own experiences with mental illness.

I met Kurt in 1996.  I was a senior in the AP literature class at Floyd Central High School in Floyd's Knobs, Indiana. We had just finished reading one of his books, Cat's Cradle, for the class. He came to talk to our class and spoke about his writing and time spent as a prisoner of war in World War II.  He was a very kind man.  I took some pictures of him and had him sign a book for me, the book titled Hocus Pocus. I hadn't read that book at the time but I finally read a library version of it in 2018.  (I didn't want to read my copy because I want to preserve it in excellent condition, since it's signed.)  It is now one of my favorite books.

A couple of years ago, I went to the Kurt Vonnegut Museum and Library in Indianapolis, Indiana with my husband, mom, and sister. It was truly a memorable trip because I got to hear more about Kurt from the guide,  as well as see items that he had once owned. I even got to see a typewriter that he had used to write some of his books. Seeing that typewriter is one of the most memorable experiences for me from that trip.

Over the years, I have amassed a large collection of Vonnegut books and memorabilia. I even have a stuffed Kurt Vonnegut figure that sits on my bookshelf, as well as a couple of t-shirts, a sweatshirt, and a magnet on the fridge.  Last year, I bought a signed hardcover book of his titled Slaughterhouse-Five.  (Slaughterhouse-Five is an excellent book!)  At the museum, I bought a signed print of Kurt's art, the famous asterisk symbol that he used to depict an a**hole.  (He was an author of satire and dark humor, often using humor in his tales of science fiction, or war and peace, or humanism.)

Kurt was a humanist.  His philosophies closely match mine when it comes to treating other humans with respect and dignity.  (I'd like to think I'm a humanist who, like Kurt, doesn't need a religion to tell me to be a good person.)  He said, "I am a humanist, which means, in part, that I have tried to behave decently without any expectation of rewards or punishment after I'm dead."

I have read most of his books, some more than once, but there are still some I haven't. They await me like undiscovered treasures and with many surprises in store for me. I also have a rather large collection of his short stories that I have not yet read.

If you haven't read Vonnegut, I highly recommend that you do!  You will not be disappointed.

Manifesto of Shrouded Purpose

"The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to just know."

~Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

 

Open Impressionist Innocence

"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."

~Maya Angelou 

Angular Present in the Dark

“Do you remember when we first met? I thought I had wandered into a dream.”

~ J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

 

Extracts from Modular Elegance

"Don’t you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you are not taking advantage of it?"  ~Ernest Hemingway

"I am so angry with myself because I cannot do what I should like to do, and at such a moment one feels as if one were lying bound hand and foot at the bottom of a deep dark well, utterly helpless." ~Vincent van Gogh

I think these are common sentiments for those that suffer from depression.  I know I feel this way.  So much of my life has passed by in states of depression and anxiety that I feel like time has been lost.  There is so much I could have been doing that I did not do.  There are so many places I could have gone, so many adventures to have been on, so many things to do, and have fun with, so many people I could have met or spent time with, yet I did not.  There has been so much time wasted due to depression, anxiety, and anhedonia.

I am not the only one.  Depression is a very common illness.  It's an invisible illness.  Others can not see it, and even when they ask you how you are, they do not understand it.  They ask, "Why are you depressed?"  Or, "What made you depressed?"  They do not know that there is not any one event that has caused the depression.  It is a state of being.  It is a chemical imbalance.  I've lived with it for so long that I'm certain it's the MS that causes it, as I have lesions all over my brain.  Certainly, depression is one of the many symptoms of MS.  For me, it manifests as anhedonia, which is an inability to enjoy things or to find interest in things that normally gave pleasure, such as hobbies or activities.  Also, there is the inability to concentrate or focus, and extreme sadness and lack of energy.  It is fatigue.  It is sometimes waking up in the morning feeling disappointed that I did not die in my sleep.

I have found that making fractals helps.  It takes me to another world.  I lose myself in them, both in making them and viewing others' work.  For many years, art therapy has been used by patients.  You may have seen famous paintings by mentally ill people, such as Vincent van Gogh.  "The goal of art therapy is to utilize the creative process to help people explore self-expression and, in doing so, find new ways to gain personal insight and develop new coping skills." (See How Art Therapy is Used to Help People Heal, by Kendra Cherry.)  Art therapy is great for many different illnesses, both mental and physical.

If you have an illness, or even if you don't, I recommend you give art a try.  It doesn't have to be fractals.  It can be painting, drawing, photography, origami, sculpting, digital, or other forms of art.  You don't have to be good at it.  If you would like to give fractal art a try, I have created a page with links to software you can download.  That page is HERE and can also be found in the list of links to the left of this page.  If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Thank you for taking the time to read this webpage and view my art.  I really appreciate it.

The Mind-Bending Transformation

"They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

My husband and I met in August of 2015.  We didn't date for very long before we got married.  It was truly love at first sight.  I knew right away that this is the man I wanted to marry.  We got married in April of 2016.  We have an age gap relationship because he is 31 years older than I am.  Some people may find this strange but we are best friends and very close to each other.  In the more than five years we've been together we have not had an argument.

I sometimes tell him that when he gets old, I will take care of him.  He tells me that he may have to take care of me because I have secondary progressive MS.  He is right.  I do not know how much longer I will be able to walk.  Already I am losing some of my functions.  He already takes great care of me.  I just hope I can keep walking so that I truly can take care of him when he is older.  I wish that I could live the rest of my life with him.  We do not know who will outlive the other.  People with multiple sclerosis have a shorter lifespan than most everyone else.

He is profoundly supportive of me when I am in the depths of depression or struggling with the MS.  Finally, there is someone in my life that understands me and treats me well.  I can't imagine life without John.  I know he can't imagine life without me.  We just hope that we have many years left to spend together.  I know I worry too much about losing him to death in the future, but I should focus on the moment and the love we have now.  I am deeply appreciative of him.  He treats me like I'm a queen.  Well, he is my king.  Our cats are the prince and princess.  This is our little family.  It's full of love.  We cherish each other.

The Mechanical Insight

"Above all else, it is about leaving a mark that I existed: I was here. I was hungry. I was defeated. I was happy. I was sad. I was in love. I was afraid. I was hopeful. I had an idea and I had a good purpose and that’s why I made works of art." ~ Felix Gonzalez-Torres 

 

Act with Elusive Muse

"You're still beautiful. A little more beautiful than ever."

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender is the Night

Silhouette of Secrets

"A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you."

~Elbert Hubbard

My husband is my best friend.  He knows everything about me and still loves me.  He even knows about the unflattering parts.  He accepts the good and bad and loves me as if I were perfect.  I gladly return the favor and love him unconditionally.
 

A Flowing Poetry

 

“If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.”

~Napoleon Hill

I make fractals and other digital art for therapeutic purposes to help me deal with multiple sclerosis and depression.  I like to imagine that I'm a strong person that can accept and handle what life throws my way.  Living with both MS and depression is not easy and is certainly an obstacle that is difficult to overcome.  

I believe using art for therapy is something that should not be underestimated.  I'm not skilled at making forms of art outside the realm of fractals, so I spend my creative energy on making fractals.  I've been making them since 2005.  I started using a software called Apophysis.  I've since branched out to other software, such as Ultra Fractal, Jux, JWildfire, Fractal Explorer, Mind-Boggling Fractals, Chaoscope, Frax, Mandelbulb3D, and Mandelbulber.  There are of course many other software programs available for making fractals and I will soon make a post about what fractal software is available for people to use.  Some cost money, but many of them are free.

I hope you enjoy the fractals I've made and posted on this website.  I put my heart into making them and they serve a purpose for me far beyond aesthetics.

Artisan Crying a Painting

 

"The work of art is above all a process of creation, it is never experienced as a mere product."

~Paul Klee